Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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