my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
