i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
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