Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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