you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
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sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
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Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
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