I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
