i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Randomize
