Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
