I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
