I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
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