I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
