Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
