Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
