youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I skipped work to stalk him.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
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