Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
