i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
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Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
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I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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