Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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