You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Randomize
