i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
