I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
