I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
Randomize
