So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
