I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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