update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
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Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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