Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
