i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
