I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
