My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
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