nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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