So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
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