Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
