I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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