I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
