I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
it's like heaven, but drunker
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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