So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
My butt remains clenched, sir.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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