The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I'm getting married
To pizza
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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