wanna go halves on a baby?
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize
