Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize