I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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