so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
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