Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
