Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Dignity is for republicans.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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