I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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