my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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