I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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