Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Randomize
