My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Randomize
