you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
