I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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