I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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