i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
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