I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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