She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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