I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
wat bout pragnant strippers??
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Randomize
