I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
