I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Randomize
