I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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